And Just Like That….

…. I’m divorced.

fuck

Considering

I was at the therapist today and we talked about how proud I am that I haven’t taken a sleeping pill in a full week, and have been able to sleep. That hasn’t happened since November. I’m pretty excited about that. I also haven’t needed anxiety meds either since right after the first of the year.

Then I wondered aloud about whether I need my anti-depressants. I have some question about this.

First let me say that I do not judge anyone for needing anti-depressants. But I know that there are two groups of folks – the folks who are having a tough time and the meds help them through the rough patch, but aren’t needed every day for their whole lives, and the folks whose brains just as a rule don’t produce the right combination of chemicals and they will always need the meds to function normally. The problem is that I don’t know which group I fall into. I am definitely feeling better, and wonder if I can stop taking the anti-depressants. But that’s a common pitfall of people suffering from depression. They start to feel better and think it’s time to stop taking the medication. On the other hand, I’m learning how to deal with my emotions, I’m getting talk therapy. Is that enough to keep me from sinking into depression without the meds?

My therapist reminded me that I respond very quickly to the meds. When I first start taking them, I never have to wait the three weeks they advise before I can start to feel better; I will start to feel better within a day or two. And conversely when I go off, or forget to take them for a day or two, I can feel it. This leads her to believe that I fall into the category that will need meds for my whole life, not just in stressful situations. That makes sense to me.

In any case, now is not the time to go off, I don’t think. I’ll stay on them for now and think about it in a few months. At least I know that if I stop them and need to start again, I will be able to feel the benefit again pretty quickly.  No decisions

Frack

I don’t have a good title for this post. This isn’t even going to be a good post. I just am full of some feeling. I can’t name it. I want to talk, but I don’t know what to say. I’m on the verge of tears, but the tears won’t come.

I’m just sad. Actually that’s the understatement of the year.

In four days I’m going to be divorced. How did this happen? I don’t want this. I just want to scream “WAIT! This can’t happen!” But it can. It is. It doesn’t matter what I want. The wheels are in motion. I am powerless to stop it.

Trust has been broken. Vows have been broken. And as much as I’ve been kidding myself that there is any hope for reconciliation, I just don’t see how it can happen. There is no going back once you’ve crossed a certain line. This is slowly dawning on me.

I guess what I feel tonight is just hopelessness. Regret. And probably another thousand things I can’t seem to name at the moment.

But I’m here. I’ll wake up tomorrow and just keep breathing. I don’t know a single thing about what I want my life to be in the future. I can’t think that far ahead. I just have to make it to Wednesday. Right now I just feel like I’m watching a horrible car accident about to happen and I can’t do a thing to stop it. Maybe after Wednesday, after it has already happened, I can think about the future and make some plans. Maybe.

Hottie Thursday #13

I somehow missed last week. I don’t know how. I really need to be more on the ball about these very important things.

So to make it up to you, I decided to make today’s edition someone overwhelmingly hot. And funny. Have I ever mentioned how far funny goes with me? Perhaps that’s a post for another day.

I give you….

Ryan Reynolds

I mean, seriously? Those ABS??? Is it hot in here, or is it just him? Phew.

I love a man who loves a dog. But look how disinterested the dog looks.  Does he not know who’s hugging him??

Sigh. Pardon me, I need a minute to collect myself.

I have been sighing over him since 1999 when I first saw him in Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I loved him as Van Wilder. I just love him. Can you tell? He’s totally on my List. The laminated one.

Graduation Day

I have to say, I am feeling pretty good lately. I am hopeful about the future, generally in a good mood (if you don’t count the normal annoyance of dealing with a douchebag three year old), and actually able to sleep. I have slept the past two nights without the aid of medication, which is a big development. I’ve been taking something to sleep since November. But I can’t do it forever, now can I? So I decided to try to go it alone and see what happens, and it was ok.

I still feel a bit unsure of what I want to do with myself, but I’m giving myself time to think about it. I have time to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I’m trying not to rush myself into making decisions I don’t have to make yet. The answers will come. Eventually.

I think that I’m going to wean myself off therapy. Slowly, of course. I’ll reduce to every other week, which will be a relief to my bank account. But I feel ok about it. I skipped this week because my therapist had a conflict and it’s fine. I don’t NEED to get the emotions out every week anymore.

I’m doing big girl things like dealing with the end of my car lease and buying a new one. I haven’t done this alone, well, ever. My next big task will be to find health insurance, as I won’t have coverage once the divorce is final.

I can do this. I’m going to be ok.

Happy Conception Day

When you go through infertility, your life becomes very planned out and really, all of the mystery goes out of the pursuit of making a baby. You know how big your egg follicles are at any given moment, how thick the lining of your uterus is and exactly when you ovulate. You even mark these things on your calendar.

So it’s no surprise that I remember these dates.

Four years ago today, I was on a table with my legs in stirrups. A nurse named Jennifer, a thin catheter, and some members of STBEX’s boys’ swim team all got together and got me knocked up. I’d had a weird vision or premonition or something on the way to my appointment so I smiled through the uncomfortable procedure, fairly sure that this time it was going to work.  It was weird going back to work and thinking about what was going on inside my uterus and trying not to get my hopes up too much because I’d been terribly disappointed before.

Today I’ll hug Betsy a little tighter and remember how just four short years ago, I never could have conceived of having a great kid like her, but somehow I did.

My Super Power

How many times have people asked the question about what super power you would have if you could have any? People usually pick the ability to fly or invisibility or something useful. But I have a different wish for my super power.

I wish sometimes, when I am in traffic, when there is some jackhole on the road who is driving way over the speed limit, weaving in and out of traffic, cutting people off and just generally being a douchebag, that I had the ability to be a giant for a minute, just so I could pick up the douchebag’s car and ever so gently place it upside down in the median.

I don’t want to hurt them, or cause any damage to anyone else. But can you imagine how infuriatingly inconvenient it would be to find yourself suddenly upside down in your car? That’s what they should get for being a douchebag on the road.

Can you tell I drove to and from Dallas this weekend?

Almost There

I arrived home from Vegas to a divorce decree. That sounds like STBEX is an ass, like he found a shitty way to end my trip, but that’s not true. I knew it was coming and I fully expected him to give it to me, actually a couple weeks ago.

Everyone keeps telling me that I should have my own attorney, and lots of people have stories of women who have gotten screwed by not having an attorney. But honestly, having worked in HR and Benefits for so long, I have seen more than my fair share of divorce decrees. I decided to read through it and then decide if I needed someone to help me. But honestly, I don’t. I understand it all, and it was almost fine. The first draft had a mistake in it, and I brought it up, and STBEX agreed that it should be changed. I got the new decree in the mail today. It’s all fine now.

Friday while Betsy is at school, I’ll go find myself a notary, get the bitch signed and mail it back. Then I’ll just have to wait until the 60-day clock runs out – it started back in January – and I’ll be divorced.

I feel….. I’m not sure how I feel. Sad, but not overwhelmingly so. I could be all cried out after my emotional breakdown in Vegas. Maybe it’ll hit me later. I don’t know. I will say that after lots of talking in Vegas, and my girls wondering why I’m not angry, I did finally get…. not mad but a bit righteously indignant about the whole thing. I can only guess that’s a good thing.

Sigh. When will this start to feel normal?

Viva Las Vegas!

Girls’ Weekend 2010: Las Vegas was a smashing success! We had a great time and ate too much, slept too little and laughed our asses off. Becky, Erica, Shelly and Shelly’s IRL friend who I will call T made quite the quintet.

Food, laughing, talking, food, drinking, gambling, talking, food and more food and more talking were the order of the weekend. I love these beautiful, smart, funny women with all my heart.

My only complaint is that I left a whole day before they did. But I instructed them not to have any fun or say or do anything interesting after I left, and I’m sure they complied.

The things I learned in Las Vegas this time are:

1. Never go to Las Vegas on a Friday or Saturday night. I had never seen Vegas like that before, and I realized that I always purposely went on weeknights.
2. Drunk people in the hallway when you are trying to sleep is really.fucking.annoying.
3. I will smell anything Erica asks me to.
4. Freemont Street is kind of like Carnie Town. We felt very young and smart and beautiful there.
5. CHILDREN DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT BELONG IN LAS VEGAS (I actually already knew that, and blogged about it six years ago, but it always bears repeating
6. Ambien is really amazing, especially when you are watching your friend, who is zoned out of her gourd on it. I won’t say who it was, though.
7. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.

And while we were there, I bought myself a Divorce Ring. I feel weird with no ring on my left ring finger. It makes me feel naked. So I decided to buy myself a ring to wear there that is obviously not a wedding band. Here is a picture of what I got:

That’s a close up of it. I really like it. It’s unique and simple, and I think it’s fairly obviously not a wedding ring. It was so fitting to get it with my bitches. I should have made them get down on one knee and place it on my finger. We decided that we could all live happily in a plural marriage together, with no husband. Sadly, they all have husbands, but maybe one day we can make it happen.

So where will Girls’ Weekend 2011 be held?

Sweet Dreams are Made of This

Y’all, it’s no laughing matter that I have had the worst dreams lately, thanks to Lexapro and sleeping pills. Well, and a catastrophic life event. I can’t say that my dreams are actually weirder than normal, or if it’s just that the anti-depressants make me remember them more.

I don’t really talk about my dreams too much because sometimes even the most horrific of dreams will sound funny to the rational conscious mind in the light of day. But many times I wake up drenched in sweat, breathing hard and my heart racing. And when you are alone in bed, those aren’t necessarily good signs.

Anyway, last night STBEX had Betsey and I didn’t work, so I took my sleeping pills early and was crashed in bed by 9:30. And I did have a really scary dream but quickly fell back to sleep. Then I had the best dream I’ve had in ages. Delusional, but wonderfully sweet.

In my dream, it was now, but I was 19 weeks pregnant. Apparently I got pregnant the last time we sleep together and was just now discovering it. But I had just confirmed the pregnancy, and found out that we were having another girl. We were planning our remarriage. Our second wedding. And we were discussing possible dates, venues and details of the wedding. It was wonderful.

I woke up in a good mood for the first time in ages. I know, I know. It’s just a dream. But it was a nice change of pace to not wake up trying to clear my head of disturbingly awful images.