This Time of Year Sucks

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

First, let me assure you this is not a rant about the weather. I find complaining constantly about the heat in TEXAS to be ridiculously banal and drives me to want to slap you and remind you that you could always move to Alaska. Not YOU of course. No, that’s a lie. I do mean you.

What I mean is that a year ago, my marriage started to implode. It started on an ill-fated family getaway to the Cascade mountains when we lived in Seattle for like a minute and a half. The EX and I came back barely speaking to one another. Then we all three got colds, then we started talking, and it all went downhill from there. I can’t help but remember that these days.

The worst part is that my birthday is a particularly bad memory. I was out of town on my birthday last year, sent to visit friends by the EX as my gift, which was totally sweet. Except that on my actual birthday, although we talked like four times on the phone, he never once wished me a happy birthday. I finally texted him after midnight to admit that my feelings were really hurt by that, especially because that was not the first time in our relationship that he had forgotten my birthday on the actual day. He felt badly, apologized profusely, and I felt better. Until I got home the next day to him telling me he wanted to separate and had been researching places in town to rent apartments. Which means that that is how he spent my birthday – figuring out how to leave me.

I am a huge birthday person. I love to celebrate birthdays – everyone’s birthday. I also love my birthday. Well, I used to. This year, I want nothing to do with it. I wish that I could turn the calendar page and just miss the day altogether. I even asked the EX to please not get me anything (as he has been overly generous at Christmas and Mother’s Day) and to not bother helping Betsy get me anything. She is too young to actually care about doing anything for me, so anything would really be coming from him.

Maybe next year I can get excited about my birthday again. This year, I will pretend it’s not happening.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 5 Comments »

Hello, Black Rage

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

I am in a state of anger the likes of which I cannot recall. We used to joke that Clom!d created in me the Black Rage and it was best to avoid me for a few days when I was taking it. This is way worse. I’m just so full of rage I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even have the ability to get it out in a physical way. I guess I could vacuum but I really want to hit something or someone.

I feel betrayed, lied to, abandoned and just downright done wrong. I know everyone says that the happiness was worth the pain. I call bullshit. If I could go back in time and not marry the EX I would. If I knew how this was going to turn out, what I’d feel right now, I would not let myself in for it.

I hate myself for feeling that way, because of course that would mean no Betsy. But do you have any idea how hard it is to have living breathing mini-EX running around your house, pushing your buttons all the time? And then I am forced to speak to him on the phone every fucking day. I see him at least twice a week, when what I really want is to never see him or hear his voice again.

As I dropped Betsy off at his house tonight, he asked me three times what was wrong and I just wanted to punch him in the stomach. Since I couldn’t give in to the rant then, you all get it now.

“You don’t get to ask me that, fucker. How I am is of no consequence to you anymore. We aren’t friends because you threw that away. I will pretend to be friendly in front of our kid, but I am not your friend. You have ruined my life and it will take a long time to rebuild it. And right now? I hate you.”

Sadly furiously typing those words doesn’t really make me feel better. Maybe I’ll see if I can go hit some of Betsy’s stuffed animals with a pillow or something.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 9 Comments »

Meh

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

I’ve been quiet. I don’t know why. It seems like everything I am feeling lately is just same song, different verse. I’m sad. I miss the EX. I still love him. I wish I didn’t. Blah blah blah. I’m not miserable or anything. I’m not even lonely. I just miss HIM. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort to write it all out here over and over.

Betsy has been a handful lately. I’ve had her all on my own for a week straight, and while I know that for some people that doesn’t seem like an astounding feat, but I really am used to some help and some time to myself. Add to that the fact that she’s been shittier than she normally is for various and unknown reasons, and I’m about to pull my hair out. She’ll be going to the EX tonight though and he’ll have her all weekend. It won’t be much of a relaxing break for me because I’m going to Dallas for the weekend to see friends and get my hair colored.

Online dating is…. weird. I think I have a date next weekend. Just typing that makes my heart rate speed up. I don’t really know what the point of the date is, and I sort of feel badly about doing it, because I know there is no point. I’m not date-able right now. I’m not emotionally available to anyone else right now. I may have rushed into this thing too hastily. But we’ll see.

One of the best things I can say lately is that someone (I can’t remember who) suggested putting soy sauce on popcorn, and whoever that person is, I want to kiss you with tongue. That snack has changed my life. I get the healthiest microwave popcorn I can which is one WW point, and then top it with soy sauce. Huge snack, I feel totally satisfied, and it was ONE POINT. I love it. Most of the time I’m not a sweets craver, but I seem to always want something soy based so this is perfect.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain, Blah blah blah, Fighting the Flab | 7 Comments »

A Bad Patient

Sunday, April 25th, 2010

Betsy is a bad patient. When she is sick, she refuses to acknowledge it, and is mainly in good spirits except during times when she should be sleeping. Even then, she’s not always in a bad humor. In fact, she’ll be very chipper and happy at 3 a.m. when she should be sleeping. I am beginning to learn that if it’s the middle of the night, and Betsy is up and hyper, she probably doesn’t feel good. But she won’t tell you that.

I think she gets this from her dad. I remember a long time ago when EX got his wisdom teeth taken out. He doesn’t like to take medicine that makes him feel woozy, so he took only a half a pain pill. Which meant he did not sleep. Which meant he was awake and complainy. And hungry. I think that half the point of heavy sedation after oral surgery is to keep you asleep so you don’t think about eating, which you can’t do anyway. I remember spending a lot of time in the kitchen that day trying to come up with soft foods that he could eat and getting steadily grumpier with every snack I made, and considering grinding up the pain pill in his applesauce. Anyway.

Today  Betsy keeps asking where we are going and getting very upset when I tell her that we can’t go anywhere. In one breath she insists that she is not sick, and then she gets whiny and cries over nothing. I know she doesn’t feel well, I know she’s exhausted but she won’t sit still.

I have a sneaking suspicion she has strep. The sibling of one of her classmates had it, and just now when Betsy was refusing to nap, she was crying and I asked her what hurt, and she pointed in her mouth. Great. She’s never once complained of a sore throat before. But her fever is relatively low so for now, I’m not treating it, but if it gets higher, I will. I am guessing we’ll be at the pediatrician tomorrow.

Which means no school for her tomorrow. Which means I may lose my friggin’ mind. EX has been out of town all week so it’s just been me and Betsy for days now. She misses him terribly and keeps crying that she wants him, which is breaking my heart all the more. He gets home tomorrow night I think but I doubt he’ll be seeing her until Wednesday. By Wednesday I’m going to be ready for a straight jacket.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain, Mommyhood | 3 Comments »

Angry Bitch

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Some wonderful friends hit me with some reality a while back, although I choose to alter my view of that event so that it didn’t actually take place in a trashy casino in Carnie Town that reeked of deep fryers and cigarette smoke from back when everyone knew where Jimmy Hoffa was. They wondered why I’m not mad. Because I wasn’t. I never really was.

I think I am now.

Not all the time or anything, but I’m finding that when my anger flares, it flares bigger and takes longer to burn out.  As you might guess, I’m in the midst of it right now. I’m really pissed off. I am also wrestling with my old pal insomnia again after I thought I had it beaten. Except now I just lay awake and think about how mad I am, and then I get madder because being mad at the EX has made me not able to sleep. So I’m doubly mad and tired and cranky.

My newest thing that has me pissed now is the fact that I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed at my marriage. And you know what? I did fail at many things. I was wrong a lot of the time. But I never gave up. I didn’t quit and I wouldn’t have ever quit.  He gave up on me and he gave up on our family. And that I can’t forgive.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 6 Comments »

Too Many Choices

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

I am the sort of person who does not like to have too many choices. To me, too many choices is a stressful situation to be in.

For example, when researching new car seats for Betsy (when she went to forward-facing), I went to Amazon, picked out the three or four that were the top rated, and researched those. I hear now that there are better or cheaper or better AND cheaper options, but I simply cannot spend the time and energy to research EVERY choice out there. It boggles my mind. At the end of the day, I feel confident that I got a good safe car seat for Betsy, although I may have paid more than I needed to. But I’m ok with that because going back and forth between options, trying to decide how much weight to give one review over another, and then bargain hunting makes my head spin. I wish I could be the other way. I admire my dear friends who are so good at it. In fact, I often ask for help with research and reviews from them. If I’m going to make a big purchase, I’m probably going to discuss it with them first.

I don’t even like going to restaurants that have too much on the menu because it’s just too much choice! When I eat at the Cheesecake Factory, I order one of three things every time, because I simply can’t schlog through that twenty page menu and make my choices. It gets confusing. By the time I make it to the end of the menu, I’ve forgotten what looked good at the beginning. I know I love three things and so I usually choose one of those, and then beg bites off other people so I can sample a new dish with no consequences.

Right now I’m struggling with what I want to do with my life. And it’s scary because truly the choices are almost endless. I could do almost anything as I reinvent myself as a single adult. I could go back to school and think about psychology/counseling. I could try to get into law school, which is something I always kind of wanted to do. I could go back to HR in some fashion. I could get a teaching certificate. I could just get a ton of plastic surgery and search for a rich husband.  The problem is that every option has a unique set of pros and cons and nothing is standing out as something I’m passionate about. I get that I don’t have to be passionate about what my work is. I never was before. I worked to afford my life. I am not defined by my career, and I’m ok with that. But in a couple of years I will HAVE to get a job of some sort to support myself. And I don’t want to be putting my resume together a few weeks before Betsy starts kindergarten. I want to buy a house, and although I have money, I know I’ll never get a mortgage with no employment. So I need to figure this out in the near future.

For now, I’m trying not to rush to make any decisions because I don’t want to make the wrong ones and find myself stuck with something. I am trying to have patience with myself, but that’s not something I’m good at. I also am not good at feeling like I can do anything I want. I know my limitations and I am often convinced that I can’t do anything to overcome them.

I think the signs are still pointing to it being too soon to make a decision. I am so lucky, I know, to have the time to give myself this patience. And I’m lucky that I have an education to help me in this process. If this were fifty years ago, maybe even less, I’d be well and truly fucked right now. So I give a tip of my hat to the bra burning sisters who came before me and fought to get me in this position of having options.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. Is it too late to choose ballerina?

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 7 Comments »

My Easter Trip to Hell-Mart

Monday, April 5th, 2010

I may have alluded to the fact that I despise Hell-Mart with the fire of a thousand suns. No? Well, I hate Hell-Mart with the fire of a thousand suns. The reasons are many but I’m not going to go into it here because Swistle posted some negative remarks about Hell-Mart once and it started a shit storm of controversy. Apparently, this is a hot topic along with breast vs. bottle, cloth vs. disposable, and co-sleeping vs. Cry It Out. Or even as divisive as the Great Condiment War of Aught Ten as seen over at AndreAnna’s place. (By the way, the only acceptable answers on that topic are: Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise, it is Satan’s Semen and should not be consumed by anyone, Hellmann’s is the best mayonnaise in the world, and Heinz is the only real KETCHUP, and I have no idea what the fuck “catsup” is.)

So anyway…. Betsy has been mildly sick for the past few days, just a virus I’m sure, but she’s stuffy and coughy and has a wee bit of a fever. So we have been trapped at home because I’m sure she’s contagious. This has led to douchebaggery of the highest order. EX came to get her yesterday morning first thing and I did a happy dance, then promptly went back to bed, as she had gotten up at 5:30 a.m. two days in a row.  EX was going to bring her back after dinner but before bath. As I was thinking about this, I selfishly decided that I could not face another bath and bedtime either. So I bribed EX with dinner, if he would bring Betsy back, eat dinner here and then let him give her a bath and put her to bed here. He agreed.

But then I realized that I had nothing to make for dinner. So I headed out for the store because I needed… well, everything. And when I got to the grocery store, it was closed. WTF? I worked my way through high school and college at a grocery store and we were ALWAYS open on Easter. In fact, it was a great day to work because you got holiday pay and it was just like any other day.  It’s even more unbelievable because nowadays, stores are even open briefly on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Ridiculous!

OK, so the store was closed. I knew Target was closed – it always is on Easter. Sadly, I knew what I had to do. I had to go to Hell-Mart. I knew it would be open. I hate giving any of my money to Hell-Mart. But my kid needed milk and fruit snacks. This was a dire circumstance.

My first tip that this was going to be a mistake was the fact that the parking lot was jam packed. The closest open spot I could find was far enough away from the door that I would have welcomed a tram of some sort to drive me up there. When I got in, there were NO CARTS to be had. I lucked into one from a family who was leaving as I was walking in. And the crowds, oh my lord, the crowds. I still twitch when I think about it. A lot of the people in the store were obviously feeling the same way I was, because there seemed to be an unspoken agreement to cut down the jackassery that normally abounds at Hell-Mart. People were mainly courteous and aware of the fact that other people were in the store.

I will say in Hell-Mart’s defense, that they obviously expected this because the store was very well stocked, and tons of registers were open. The lines were still long, but not as bad as I had feared they would be. The cashier even commented about how HEB would probably want to take a look at their decision next year. I managed to get in and get the few things I needed and get the hell out before my blood pressure sky rocketed. But not before I was given an unsolicited and creepy hug from the woman behind me in line, who had accidentally bumped my purse and hugged me in apology. WHAT?? Who does that? If you know it’s not ok to bump my purse, why do you think it would be ok to hug me? I suspect she may have been a pickpocket in training, but my wallet was accounted for.

All in all, my Easter was not good. Early wake up call, bratty kid, and a trip to a crowded Hell-Mart. But I did get to eat au gratin potatoes and then drink a beer while EX put Betsy to bed. So not good, but not all bad either.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 5 Comments »

Fitting In

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

Last night Betsy and I were invited by an old friend of mine to a flashlight Easter Egg Hunt. It was a lot of fun, for sure. Betsy had a fantastic time. But me? Well, it’s complicated.

First, the host and hostess were the only two people I knew. I’ve known them since college and was maid of honor in their wedding. So hanging with them is always fun. But obviously hosting a gathering is a hectic thing and it’s not like we could just sit and gab. All of their friends are super nice, and very welcoming, but I don’t live on their street, or even in their suburb. My kid is younger than all of their kids, so I can’t commiserate over kindergarten teachers and Field Day antics and all of that stuff.

Then there was one moment when I was sitting on the porch and on my left were all the husbands, on my right were all the wives and all the kids were running around amongst them all. I absolutely fit into neither group. I’m a misfit. I’m the odd man out. The fifth wheel. I’ve been here before, in college, and right after when all of my friends were coupled up and getting married. And it sucked then, like it sucks now. Only this time it’s a bit more complex, because I have a child now. I can’t necessarily do all the things for myself that I could and did then. I have far more responsibility now.

I know that I don’t have it as bad as some single moms. I truly know that. I’m not battling an asshole ex-husband over child support, and I live comfortably. It’s just hard to adjust to this new social status. I am still adrift on a sea of choices to make and new ways to live. Some would say that this is a liberating time, and it is. It’s also scary as hell.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 3 Comments »

It’s the Little Things That Get You

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

So. In case you are just joining us, I’m now divorced. It’s weird. It feels weird to say that, and I don’t feel any differently than I did a week ago when I wasn’t divorced.

I’m trying to clear out more clutter and unpack some boxes that I never touched when I moved in six months ago. Shameful I know. But there it is. I’m finding things that make me sad, and befuddle me when I try to decide what to do with them. Things like our wedding album and framed photos of us are pretty simple. Pack that shit up in a box, seal it up and move it to the garage. One day Betsy can open that box and we can talk about the trips that those photos were taken on, or about our wedding day. Those will be her things to decide about later. I don’t want to pretend that her parents were never married to each other or never loved each other.

Other things are bit more complicated. What do I do with wedding china and crystal? My first instinct was to let it all go, because how could I use the china that we chose together and that our friends and family bought for us? But then I got practical and thought two things. One, we probably only ever used that stuff three times in the eight years we were married. So I don’t attach a lot of sentimental value to it. And two, when in my life will I get china to replace it? Never. So I’m keeping it.  My wedding dress is another stumper. I honestly don’t think that Betsy would want to wear the wedding dress from her parents’ marriage that ended in divorce. I didn’t have it preserved with any sort of assumption that she would wear it, although I always thought she could if she wanted to, but more as a keepsake for me. I am leaning toward giving it away to Goodwill, but will take my time making that decision. It can’t be undone once it’s done.

But the thing that about sent me over the edge the other day was really dumb. I was in a store killing time before a lunch date with a girlfriend. I saw a beautiful display of wedding things like place card holders and such. Despite the failure of my marriage, I am still mildly obsessed with weddings so I had to check it out. My eyes fell on a cake cutter and I almost fell over. I had to walk outside and sit in the sun for a few minutes to gather myself. You see, my mom took the cake server from my parents’ wedding which had their names and wedding date engraved on it, and had EX’s and my names added to the other side with our wedding date. And now, because my marriage failed, that thing of my mom’s that is so special to her is ruined.

I guess there is a case to be made for this being progress – the fact that I am able to move on to think about tangible objects now could be taken as a good sign. But damn. I really feel guilty about that cake cutter. I wonder if that engraving can somehow be rubbed out. And if so, is there a similar procedure to rub out my memories?

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain | 10 Comments »

Thoughts on DST

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

As the time change approaches, I want to clear up some things that drive me batshit crazy.

First, we are going on Daylight Saving Time. We are not going on Daylight SavingS Time. We are saving daylight, not depositing it in the bank for later.

Also please note in fall that we go OFF Daylight Saving Time, so when we all bitch about how our kids won’t sleep past 5 a.m., it’s not DST that you hate, it’s going off DST that you hate. I might have to remind you all again then. You don’t have to thank me, it’s just a public service I like to provide.

I have mixed feelings about going on DST, as does everyone with small children, I suspect. We all love the extra hour of daylight because mixed with warmer temperatures, there is more playing outside to be done. Or drinking on patios. And with kids, it’s kind of nice because it stays darker a little longer in the morning so our early birds tend to sleep a little later because they aren’t woken up by the sun. But it sucks in that it’s hard to convince a kid that it’s bedtime when it’s still light outside, especially if they are used to going to bed at 8 p.m. when it’s dark in the fall and winter. I would push bedtime back a bit except she still has to be up for school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so she can’t really sleep late to make up for it.

I also wish that we didn’t spring forward and fall back on a different time table than the rest of the world. My work is centered around UK time, so when we change and they don’t, my work schedule gets all funked up. Based on my limited availability, I might not be able to work much at all until the UK goes on summer time on March 28.

But, since Betsy is on Spring Break all this coming week, we may just stay up late, eat popsicles outside and enjoy the spring. We’ll worry about the transition next week.

Posted in Bitch Moan and Complain, Say It Right Dammit! | 6 Comments »