Randomocity

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Insomnia is back. I hate this. It’s actually worse this time because even the sleeping pills aren’t working. I am back to taking two OTC pills every night, and STILL my brain won’t shut off for a good long while when I turn out the light. All this does is make me really tired in the morning. I struggle through the morning and lunch and then end up napping during Betsy’s nap time. When I nap, I sleep really hard, not even changing positions, and it’s really hard for me to wake up. You might be thinking that the naps are the reason I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t sleep whether or not I nap during the day. I might have to make a trip back to the doctor for a stronger sleep medicine. Fun times.

Speaking of Betsy…. she’s still not potty trained thankyouverymuch. She has absolutely no interest. She’s not even doing it for the EX. I stopped using pull ups because she uses them like diapers, and they aren’t absorbent enough. So we are back in diapers. I’m really trying not to let this frustrate me, but damn! She’s three and a half years old. I know she can do this, but she just chooses not to. I realize I have no control over it, but just wish I could find the magic thing to motivate her.

Online dating is sort of going. I’ve been making small talk with one guy, using the dating site’s email so we have revealed no personally identifiable information. No, he’s not the professional magician. But my heart just isn’t in this. In fact, I know I have an email from him waiting for me, and I just can’t motivate myself to go check it. Meh. I don’t think this is going to work until I stop loving the EX, so maybe in ten or twenty years?

I continue my crusade for a pore minimizer that actually works. I got a shipment from Sephora today and I can’t wait to try out the new stuff. I’ll let you know if I have any winners.

Betsy is done with school for the summer next week. I need to get end of the year gifts for her teachers and I’m sort of drawing a blank. Since I only have one kid, and she only has two teachers, I’m not particularly worried about not breaking the bank on this. I’m just uninspired. For Christmas I gave them both movie gift cards, which they seemed to love, but I don’t want to do a repeat gift. I plan to go out tomorrow while Betsy is in school to find the gifts, but I hate going out with no plan as to what I’m getting.

I’ve lost seven pounds on Weight Watchers since I started. That’s not bad considering I have one really bad eating day every week, and I haven’t worked out in a while either. I’m really happy I finally chose Weight Watchers. Every time I think I’m going to splurge on some food, I check the points and am often amazed at what I can eat and stay on track. It’s no secret I do most of my eating at night, and last night I was really snacky. I calculated out the points, and I was able to eat two pieces of toast with butter and Simply Fruit jam, for a total of 3 points, and I actually had 3 points left over for the day.

My air conditioning died on Sunday night. I have never been so glad to be a renter. I called. Someone came and fixed it, and I didn’t have to get out my checkbook. I’m actually not sure why I’m considering saddling myself with another house anytime soon.

After going through several books that were just “meh” I finally found one that I’m really liking. It’s Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. I’m speeding through it and I don’t want it to be over. Luckily, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest is coming out in a week and I have pre-ordered it. I can’t wait!

Aaaaaaaand I’m spent. All the random crap I’ve had floating around in my head is now out there to entertain you. You’re welcome.

Posted in Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals, Bitchy Reads, Blah blah blah, Fighting the Flab, Mommyhood, Potty Chronicles | 8 Comments »

Considering

Monday, March 8th, 2010

I was at the therapist today and we talked about how proud I am that I haven’t taken a sleeping pill in a full week, and have been able to sleep. That hasn’t happened since November. I’m pretty excited about that. I also haven’t needed anxiety meds either since right after the first of the year.

Then I wondered aloud about whether I need my anti-depressants. I have some question about this.

First let me say that I do not judge anyone for needing anti-depressants. But I know that there are two groups of folks – the folks who are having a tough time and the meds help them through the rough patch, but aren’t needed every day for their whole lives, and the folks whose brains just as a rule don’t produce the right combination of chemicals and they will always need the meds to function normally. The problem is that I don’t know which group I fall into. I am definitely feeling better, and wonder if I can stop taking the anti-depressants. But that’s a common pitfall of people suffering from depression. They start to feel better and think it’s time to stop taking the medication. On the other hand, I’m learning how to deal with my emotions, I’m getting talk therapy. Is that enough to keep me from sinking into depression without the meds?

My therapist reminded me that I respond very quickly to the meds. When I first start taking them, I never have to wait the three weeks they advise before I can start to feel better; I will start to feel better within a day or two. And conversely when I go off, or forget to take them for a day or two, I can feel it. This leads her to believe that I fall into the category that will need meds for my whole life, not just in stressful situations. That makes sense to me.

In any case, now is not the time to go off, I don’t think. I’ll stay on them for now and think about it in a few months. At least I know that if I stop them and need to start again, I will be able to feel the benefit again pretty quickly.  No decisions

Posted in Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals | 1 Comment »

I Want a New Drug

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

A few weeks ago, my therapist recommended that I go to the doctor for my anxiety. The first visit was kind of a fail in that what she gave me for sleep didn’t make me sleepy, but through that I found that over the counter sleep aids usually did the trick for me. I also started back on my anti-depressant, which I had stopped taking a few months ago. I don’t know why I never thought to start taking them again when all this happened. I guess because divorce is a sad time so really taking meds to get through it is silly. Or so I thought. But she told me that the drug I take (Lexapro) is also indicated for anxiety, and since we already know that I tolerate Lexapro well, we should try that first. So I started taking it religiously again. And thankfully the constant stream of tears stopped. I’m not sure if it was the drugs or just time, but either way, I don’t spend all day, every day in tears anymore. I still can and do cry when it’s appropriate so I know it’s not just numbing me from every emotion. I won’t say I feel happy really, but I can fake it better. I can tell people about my situation without bawling.

However, the anxiety was still with me. Almost always. I would wake up almost every day in a panic. My heart racing, feeling like it was skipping beats, my skin flushed and hot, and most annoyingly it felt like there was a constant weight on my chest. I could not easily draw a deep breath and the muscles in my chest were beginning to be sore from constantly being tight.  When I went in for my follow up yesterday, this was my chief complaint.

After much discussion, we decided that an as-needed anxiety medicine should be added. I was wary because I was thinking of Xanax, which I had one time before surgery and hated. I also knew that I couldn’t take a drug like that if it was going to impair me since I have the kid to take care of. The doctor gave me Klonopin to try, which is in the same family as Xanax and Valium. I was a bit nervous. But I figured maybe I could use it as my sleep aid and not wake up with the panic feeling. So last night I gave it a try. STBEX has the kid this whole weekend so I have a couple days to experiment with how this will all work.

It made me feel relaxed. That’s all. Not sleepy, just relaxed. I laid in bed for a while reading but never got really sleepy. After turning off the light and marveling at the lightness in my chest for a while, I still couldn’t sleep so I took the Unisom I normally take. And I slept great. I woke up at 10. Which is unheard of for me these days. But I can breathe. My heart isn’t racing, my skin isn’t flushed. I don’t feel nervous. This is great news. I can take the Klonopin whenever I feel the panic starting to rise, and not worry about turning into a zombie. Maybe that way I can start to eliminate the Unisom every night. (I asked the doctor about this and she said it’s ok for me to take it as long as I need it, which is good because I’ve been taking it every night for like three weeks now.)

All in all, yesterday’s doctor visit was a win. I really lucked into a GP that I like, that I can talk to. I was worried that she would judge me and think I’m just a drug seeker, which actually couldn’t be further from the truth. If I had my choice, I’d have my husband back with me and no need for any sleep aids or anxiety meds. Hopefully my brain will eventually calm down and I’ll be able to get off all this crap soon. But I’m going to be kind to myself and not judge myself, as I think I have been, for needing this help right now.

Posted in Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals | 3 Comments »