I’ve mentioned that this was coming, but I’ll be moving soon to a new blog space. It’s happening soonish, in time for BlogHer next month. The new site is up, but it’s not pretty yet, and has nothing really new there. But leave me a comment, and I’ll send you the link so you can add to your reader or whatever you use to keep track.

The reasons for the move are numerous but mainly because this URL was registered on a drunken idea at BlogHer last year. When I felt like I had to flee my old site, this was just a domain I had registered so it was an easy quick move. This never really felt like a space that fit me very well.

I’ll be trying to maintain a little bit of privacy for others’ sake. The EX will remain so named and so will Betsy. And honestly if you’ve never commented before, I might be a bit hesitant to give you the new URL. I’m not a comment whore or anything, but I do believe that the spirit of blogging is based on a reciprocal relationship. I’m happy to let you peek into my life if you want to, but I do appreciate knowing you’re there and hearing what you have to say even if it’s just every now and then.

So lately I’ve been having these moments where I feel hopeful about the future. I won’t say that it started with making out with a stranger in a parking lot, but I will say it’s happened more often since that night. Sometimes I think about my old life, perhaps a certain former family member that I no longer have to cater to, and I think “Well thank god, THAT’S over!” Or I think about a decorating idea that the EX would have hated and I think “Ha! I can girl it on up in this joint now that I don’t have him to complain about it!”

I surely won’t say I’m happy that this happened because I’m not. I do still wish that my family was intact. Betsy is starting to sort of realize what’s going on. She told me that she wished she saw her daddy more and that he stayed over here with us more. I had to explain to her that Mommy and Daddy are not married anymore so we won’t ever live in the same house again, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t still love her the same as always. She said that made her sad, and I said that it made me sad too sometimes and that’s ok, but she just needs to know we love her and will always love her and she won’t always feel sad about it. I hope that was the right thing to say.

But at long last I am realizing that my life can and will still be good as long as I try to make it that way. So I’ll keep on trying.

Today I read THE MOST amazing post by Miss Britt. I’ll send you on to her post because I can’t add a single thing to her insight. But I will post my favorite part here so even if you are too lazy to click through (which, WTF? It’s just a click!) you can get the point.

After spending a few months focusing my friendship time and energy almost exclusively on secure women, I’ve noticed some distinct advantages of being friends with people who generally like themselves.  For example:

• Secure women don’t take it personally if you forget to call them on their birthday.  They understand that your poor manners are a reflection of you, not them, which makes it much easier for them to forgive you (every single year).
• Secure women aren’t afraid to come right out and ask if they think they might have hurt your feelings or pissed you off.
• Secure women can be trusted to tell you, eventually, if you have done something to hurt their feelings or piss them off.
• Secure women can be trusted when they tell you they are happy for you.  And they will tell you, because they aren’t threatened by building someone else up.
• Secure women inspire you, in part because they aren’t afraid to share their progress with the world.
• Secure women believe you when you tell them that you love them, and they will continue to believe you until tell (or show) them otherwise.  Explicitly.  If they haven’t heard from you in a while, they assume you’re busy.

I plan to devote more of my life to becoming a more secure woman.

Oh, y’all… I just got back from a great weekend in Houston with my dear, dear friends. I consider these girls family, and it had been forever since we had time to sit and talk and just hang out together. It was amazing. We ate, we drank, we shopped, we talked….

I ate some of the best Mexican food I’ve ever had in my life. The restaurant was even more awesome because there is an adorable man who sings a kind of karaoke. He’s more like a lounge singer who uses the karaoke machine as his backup band. He’s pretty good, but it’s mostly cool because he just looks so genuinely happy to be there.

My girls and I went to a nearby bar to have some cocktails and talk. I won’t go into the whole story, but we met a group of guys. One was obnoxious, one was HOTT and one was also hot but a 24 year old Spanish guy named Humberto who had his shirt open practically to his navel. I loved him because he told me I look like I’m 24 or 25. Totally a line and I knew it then too but I loved it. The HOTT one was named Blake and other than being HOTT he was just not my type at all. He’s a hunter, he’s very conservative, and I think that he’s probably truly a dick. But as I said, he was HOTT and he was willing to verbally spar with me over many things. To make a long story short, we took a walk in the parking lot to look for animals (I don’t know. I was drunk. Don’t don’t ask me.) and made out while leaning up against someone’s car. I was content to just kiss him for a while because… did I mention he was HOTT? He was kind of trying to take it a bit farther, so I went back to my friends. I couldn’t resist jabbing him for it – “Way to make out with a stranger in a parking lot, Mr. Family Values. I’m a crazy socialist hippie, I’m supposed to do these things, but you are supposed to know better.” It was fun. And I think it went a far way toward reminding me yet again that my life will go on. It may have been trampy but it was also healing. So, Blake the conservative Phi Delt dude I met in a bar in Houston – Thank You!

But let me just tell you that five martinis is too many. I’m sure that sounds elementary to all of you, but apparently I needed to be reminded. Today I am nursing a hangover of epic proportions. Totally worth it though.

Sometimes making bad choices is fun.

I got home today from one of the best weekends I’ve had in Dallas in a long time. I needed a break from Betsy and I needed some just me time and it was great.

I stopped on my way into town to see Erica and her new gorgeous baby boy. Since I wasn’t able to bring them a casserole, I bought them lunch. And I got to hold and snuggle that sweet boy. He even spit up on me, which I think is newborn for “you’re my favorite auntie.” I also got to see Maddie nursing her dinosaurs which was quite impressive.

Then I headed north to Dallas. I took my car in for an oil change, and got it washed then hung out at my parents’ house and read for a while. We had a fun dinner out, and then my dad and I sat on the back patio and talked and enjoyed a gorgeous sunset and a nice evening.

Saturday I got my hair colored finally, which is always a treat because my hairdresser is a dear friend and one of my very favorite people ever in the world. Then I met my friend K for lunch, which was awesome because I hadn’t seen her in ages. After a bit more grooming, I headed back to my parents’ house and read my book and laid around until it was time to get ready to go out.

Saturday night I went out with  my friend A for dinner and drinks. It was so much fun. We ate the best pizza ever, drank sangria and worked ourselves up into a frenzy about our trip to Italy and Croatia in the fall. I stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime but it was so worth it. I sneaked into my parents’ house at 1:15 in the morning. If I had done such a thing in high school, I would have felt like I was back in high school.

It was just good from start to finish. I’m tired now, but I feel recharged. I missed Betsy so it was good to see her again today, even if she did have a few hell beast moments. She may be a hell beast, but she’s my hell beast.

I’ve been quiet. I don’t know why. It seems like everything I am feeling lately is just same song, different verse. I’m sad. I miss the EX. I still love him. I wish I didn’t. Blah blah blah. I’m not miserable or anything. I’m not even lonely. I just miss HIM. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort to write it all out here over and over.

Betsy has been a handful lately. I’ve had her all on my own for a week straight, and while I know that for some people that doesn’t seem like an astounding feat, but I really am used to some help and some time to myself. Add to that the fact that she’s been shittier than she normally is for various and unknown reasons, and I’m about to pull my hair out. She’ll be going to the EX tonight though and he’ll have her all weekend. It won’t be much of a relaxing break for me because I’m going to Dallas for the weekend to see friends and get my hair colored.

Online dating is…. weird. I think I have a date next weekend. Just typing that makes my heart rate speed up. I don’t really know what the point of the date is, and I sort of feel badly about doing it, because I know there is no point. I’m not date-able right now. I’m not emotionally available to anyone else right now. I may have rushed into this thing too hastily. But we’ll see.

One of the best things I can say lately is that someone (I can’t remember who) suggested putting soy sauce on popcorn, and whoever that person is, I want to kiss you with tongue. That snack has changed my life. I get the healthiest microwave popcorn I can which is one WW point, and then top it with soy sauce. Huge snack, I feel totally satisfied, and it was ONE POINT. I love it. Most of the time I’m not a sweets craver, but I seem to always want something soy based so this is perfect.

Sigh. We’re home from vising Shelly and Parker and Mr. Overlook. It was a good time. No, it was a great time. It started out on the wrong foot when I could not sleep the night before our flight.

Stupid me, I booked a 6 a.m. flight on Friday. In my defense, with the changing of planes, it was the only flight that would get us to our destination at a reasonable hour. God, how I miss living in an airline hub city. Anyway…. Soooo yeah. Six a.m. flight meant waking up at 3:15 to get ready, pack the last minute things, wake up Betsy and get out the door by 4 a.m.. I was all done and in bed by 10 p.m. And then I never fell asleep. I tried reading, I tried watching TV, I tried breathing exercises. I considered at one point taking something but I knew that doing so that late would render me a drooling idiot the next morning. Finally at about 1:45 I gave up and just got up. I was actually  mostly ok until the first flight landed in Dallas, when I finally crashed. UGH. In my life, I have had many many nights of very little sleep, but I can only recall one or two of absolutely NO sleep, and those were all in college. My 21-year-old body handled that far better than my almost 36-year-old body did.

Shelly picked us up, greeting us with cold drinks and snacks in the car. She’s so awesome, I don’t even know why she’s friends with me.

There was lots of gabbing, lots of playing, drinking of Summer Shandy, eating of good (but not good for us) food, and just fun. The girls enjoyed each other and also didn’t. I think maybe it confirmed for them both that they don’t really want a sibling. But they were sweet together.

We also figured out that today is our 180 day out from our Disney trip day. That meant that we could book our dining reservations! So we got up early, cracked some soda, and sat down on dueling laptops to book our meals for our Walt Disney World trip in December. And we got a reservation at every place we wanted at the time we wanted, with the exception of Cinderella’s Castle. For whatever reason that one place was not available to book until tomorrow, which I don’t understand because that would be 179 days out but whatever. We have a princess breakfast in EPCOT so if we don’t get to do a meal at the castle, the girls won’t really know the difference. They just want to meet the princesses. We’re going to try tomorrow but honestly if we can’t get those highly coveted reservations, we won’t really be disappointed. Oh, and we scored a ressie at Le Cellier, the steak house in Canada at EPCOT that Shelly and Mr. Overlook love but haven’t been able to get into the past several trips. We are going to eat gooooooood when we are there. I can’t wait!

Today’s trip home was uneventful. Betsy was kind of a shit. Well, let’s be honest. She acted like a shit the whole weekend. I don’t know who that Satan child was but wow, she was tough to deal with. I know that she was tired and excited, and she barely ate while she was there, but wow. The willful disobedience was astounding. She was mostly ok on the two flights today but didn’t nap at all. So thankfully she’s crashed now. And I’m going to follow suit soon. I’m going to take a melatonin, hop in a bath and read and hopefully pass out very soon.

What a weekend. I wish they could all we this much fun. Oh wait, last one was, this one was, and next one will be too. I’m on a hot streak!

Insomnia is back. I hate this. It’s actually worse this time because even the sleeping pills aren’t working. I am back to taking two OTC pills every night, and STILL my brain won’t shut off for a good long while when I turn out the light. All this does is make me really tired in the morning. I struggle through the morning and lunch and then end up napping during Betsy’s nap time. When I nap, I sleep really hard, not even changing positions, and it’s really hard for me to wake up. You might be thinking that the naps are the reason I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t sleep whether or not I nap during the day. I might have to make a trip back to the doctor for a stronger sleep medicine. Fun times.

Speaking of Betsy…. she’s still not potty trained thankyouverymuch. She has absolutely no interest. She’s not even doing it for the EX. I stopped using pull ups because she uses them like diapers, and they aren’t absorbent enough. So we are back in diapers. I’m really trying not to let this frustrate me, but damn! She’s three and a half years old. I know she can do this, but she just chooses not to. I realize I have no control over it, but just wish I could find the magic thing to motivate her.

Online dating is sort of going. I’ve been making small talk with one guy, using the dating site’s email so we have revealed no personally identifiable information. No, he’s not the professional magician. But my heart just isn’t in this. In fact, I know I have an email from him waiting for me, and I just can’t motivate myself to go check it. Meh. I don’t think this is going to work until I stop loving the EX, so maybe in ten or twenty years?

I continue my crusade for a pore minimizer that actually works. I got a shipment from Sephora today and I can’t wait to try out the new stuff. I’ll let you know if I have any winners.

Betsy is done with school for the summer next week. I need to get end of the year gifts for her teachers and I’m sort of drawing a blank. Since I only have one kid, and she only has two teachers, I’m not particularly worried about not breaking the bank on this. I’m just uninspired. For Christmas I gave them both movie gift cards, which they seemed to love, but I don’t want to do a repeat gift. I plan to go out tomorrow while Betsy is in school to find the gifts, but I hate going out with no plan as to what I’m getting.

I’ve lost seven pounds on Weight Watchers since I started. That’s not bad considering I have one really bad eating day every week, and I haven’t worked out in a while either. I’m really happy I finally chose Weight Watchers. Every time I think I’m going to splurge on some food, I check the points and am often amazed at what I can eat and stay on track. It’s no secret I do most of my eating at night, and last night I was really snacky. I calculated out the points, and I was able to eat two pieces of toast with butter and Simply Fruit jam, for a total of 3 points, and I actually had 3 points left over for the day.

My air conditioning died on Sunday night. I have never been so glad to be a renter. I called. Someone came and fixed it, and I didn’t have to get out my checkbook. I’m actually not sure why I’m considering saddling myself with another house anytime soon.

After going through several books that were just “meh” I finally found one that I’m really liking. It’s Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. I’m speeding through it and I don’t want it to be over. Luckily, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest is coming out in a week and I have pre-ordered it. I can’t wait!

Aaaaaaaand I’m spent. All the random crap I’ve had floating around in my head is now out there to entertain you. You’re welcome.

Yesterday I had the wonderful luck to attend Erica’s baby shower. I drove up to Dallas especially for the event, and had I been smart I would have just driven on home to Austin after the shower, because it was probably closer than driving back to my parents’ house. But whatevs. By the time I figured that out, I had a family obligation so we made the trek back up to Oklahoma my parents’ house.

We had a great time. Betsy was so happy to be included. She kept asking all day Friday and Saturday when it was time to leave for the baby party. She was beside herself. If you’ve met Betsy you know that she is not shy at all. I think she explored every nook and cranny of Erica’s parents’ house, helped herself to a cupcake and asked Erica’s stepmom for a glass of milk to go with it. Goofball.

Anyway, I came away with some cute pictures of the girls. I haven’t put pictures of Betsy on this site for a while, because it was started as a super secret site to escape the prying eyes of former family members. But I’m relaxing that a bit. I think they’ve found me anyway, and I’m planning one last move pretty soon anyway, so what the hell? Enjoy!

A while ago I had an interaction with someone in my life regarding my divorce ring. She noted that by wearing it on my left hand, I was sending out a signal that I was married. I was highly annoyed, and may have retorted more forcefully than was necessary that #1 I am NOT available, and #2 I’m not going to meet anyone in a random restaurant or bar so who the fuck cares what signal it sends out. She then made some mention of the next time and I said there will be no next time. I’m not getting married again. And she, having been married all of once in her life, rolled her eyes at me and said in an annoyingly knowing way that I’d change my mind.

She may be right, but for right now I say no. I have many reasons.

First up is TRUST. The EX is a good guy. He did not go into this marriage without the serious intent of sticking with it. And yet somewhere along the way, that intent left him. So why on earth would I ever believe anyone else who promised to love, honor and cherish ’til death do us part?  Bitter and jaded, party of one? Right here.

Second is Betsy. I also don’t know that I could ever trust another man enough to let him live in the house with my daughter, to be, in essence, her father also. The man that the EX considers his father is not his biological father so I know the bond can be strong. But I think it’s different with a female child and a step father. I’m not saying step fathers are bad, or not to be trusted, but she is THE most important thing in my life and I’m not going to expose her to risk like that. The other part of that is exactly what I said. Betsy is THE most important thing in my life. So there is no room to share that spot with a man. A second marriage of mine will never come before her. How can you start off a relationship knowing that the other person will never win over your kid? It’s a different dynamic when you are married to the father of the child(ren) than when there are step relations. He would have to accept that he would always play second fiddle to her. And that’s not good for a relationship.

I don’t know. I might change my mind. I should say this. I don’t believe in THE ONE, or one true soul mate. I’ve been deeply in love three times in my life. One of them never would have worked out no matter what, because we are just too different. One of them could have worked out had circumstances or timing been a little different. And the other one divorced me a month ago. What are the odds that I’m going to find a third person that it’s just so right with? I don’t even think it’s a possibility. And honestly, every man I’ve loved has left me. That’s not me being melodramatic, it’s the truth. Every time I’ve been in love, I’ve been dumped. It’s never been my call to end it with someone I loved. Do I really want to roll the dice and see if maybe the fourth time is the charm? No thanks.

Obviously I don’t know what my future holds. I could be singing a totally different tune in a couple years. And even if I’m right about not getting married again, that doesn’t mean I’ll be alone. I could see myself in a decidedly unmarried relationship for a long time. A non co-habitating one, one that is a step above a casual dating scenario and a step below marriage, if such a thing exists.  I don’t plan to have more children so that would be fine.

But I still think my best option is to find myself a gay husband.