FML

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

I got some distressing news via instant messenger last night from the EX. Seems he is seeing someone and wants to introduce her to Betsy “just as his friend” but he kindly did not want Betsy to be the one to spill the beans to me. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach yet again. Funny thing, though. I sort of knew before he even typed it that he was about to deliver such news. I’ve felt it coming for a while, actually. I guess I do still know him well enough to know when he’s hiding something from me, and that’s pretty much the only thing he’d have reason to hide from me.

After that conversation abruptly ended (because I turned off IM) I popped an Amb!ien and laid down in bed to ponder my life. Sure, there were tears, lots of them. I hadn’t had a good cry in AGES so it was ok. I honestly don’t know why the universe continues to hand me this shit. Perhaps I was Hitler in a past life. In any event this shit does keep landing on my plate and somehow I keep breathing. I never think I can or will. I think surely this time I deserve to curl up in a ball and die. But I don’t. My lot in life is to be the pitiable jilted ex-wife, still hopelessly hanging on to a marriage that is dead and an ex-husband who has so obviously moved on. Maybe this is the kick in the pants I needed to finally let it go. I don’t know. We’ll see.

In other news. I took my first regular Amb!ien last night. I tried a CR last week with mixed results because I didn’t give myself enough sleep time. But last night I wanted the good stuff. I slept like a rock and it took me a good ten minutes of being awake this morning before I remembered the events of last night, so that was kind of nice. And then I remembered that I texted with my friend and accepted an invitation to a party tonight because the date I was supposed to have is obviously not happening. I had to check my phone to see what I’d said, but all was fine. I do not remember turning off the TV or my light, though. I like the pills, but I doubt very much that I could take one if Betsy were home. I just don’t think I’d be responsive enough to her if she needed me.

So speaking of my date…. I had been emailing back and forth with a guy and he asked me earlier in the month if I wanted to get dinner or drinks. I said that I would like that but it seemed like the first time that would work would be this weekend because of prior plans for me on weekends, and his standing Wednesday night plans. He sort of poked fun at me, and I thought all was well, but all this week I never heard from him to make plans. I am absolutely fine with that. I’m not ready and I was silly to try to push myself. In fact, I canceled my membership to the dating site. That never felt right to me. I don’t judge people who use the sites, but there is just so much more to a person than you can ever find out online. I felt like I was dismissing too many people and worrying that maybe I was missing out on someone good. But you can’t go out with them all, can you? I don’t have time for that.

Anyway, to sum up this very rambling post, I’m left to rely on my strength yet again. Strength that I never knew I had. This situation doesn’t have the decency to just kill me, so it must be making my stronger, right?

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Ups and Downs

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

I know it’s to be expected, but today I am really sad and missing the EX. I’ve had dreams about him every night for the past two weeks and I guess it’s finally catching up with me.

I miss him, I miss our family. I wish he missed me.

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What Might Have Been

Wednesday, April 14th, 2010

Nine years ago today, this was me.

Nervous, excited, happy and so fucking sure. So sure I’d never be here. And yet, here I sit nine years later – angry, sad, scared and trying not to be bitter or cynical and I just want to shake that girl and make her see things, make her do things differently.

So to quote two cheesy country songs in one post, I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.

I’m having my last visit with my therapist today. I strategically scheduled it this way so that I would have her there if today gets to be too much to bear. Other than seeing her, I’ll try to just focus on breathing. Betsy goes to the EX tonight so unfortunately I have to see him, which if I didn’t know was pure coincidence I’d think was a cruel joke of the universe.

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Still Set Back

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Frack.

Monday I went to therapy and thought I was doing ok. We were talking about something, and I was about to segue into a story about how my mom had made me mad over the weekend, and my therapist stopped me and wanted to go back to something I had said previously. And all of a sudden I was crying like I haven’t cried in weeks, either at home or in therapy.

Ever since then, I’ve just been mired in sadness again. The only difference between now and two months ago is that I don’t have the crushing anxiety to deal with. But I am just plain old sad. I miss STBEX. The memories are flooding back in fast and furious again, which I thought had stopped. I still love him with all my heart. I still think we can overcome the problems between us. I still think we could be happy together. I have this overwhelming urge to call him or email him and talk this all over again. I just know that there is no point anymore. He doesn’t want to hear me and the wheels of the divorce are in motion. Nothing I could possibly say at this point will change his mind.

Thanks to therapy, I’m trying not to tamp down the feelings. I’m trying to acknowledge them, accept them, feel them and hopefully move on from them. I’m not stupid or foolish to feel these feelings. Talking to STBEX about them would be stupid and foolish, but the feelings themselves are not.

So I’ll spoil Betsy a little bit more, hug her a lot and steal lots of kisses. She’s been extra whiny lately too so she doesn’t mind a little extra lap time. I am just really ready to feel better.

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Setback

Monday, January 25th, 2010

I have been doing ok, even pretty good lately. But today I went to the therapist and I have to say, today is a hard day. I really miss STBEX today. I’ve cried over him a few times.

I know that these days are to be expected. It would be unnatural not to have days like this. But god, today I just really want him back. I wish he was here with me right now. The only thing I can do is to acknowledge the sadness and let myself feel it but try not to wallow in it.

And I’ll channel my inner Scarlett O’Hara. After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Hopes

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

I don’t normally make resolutions because I’m a lazy person and I know I’ll just blow them off in a couple days. This year is no different. Besides that, I don’t really have any idea what things I should resolve to do to make me happy. I just have hopes for 2010.

I hope I can be a better, more engaged mom to my daughter. This past six months has seen me letting her watch way too much TV because I am too overwhelmed with my own sadness and anxiety to interact with her. I need to put that aside, play more Play-Doh, color more pictures, and build more LEGO towers.

I hope I can get past some of my sadness so that the last ten years of memories of my life don’t hurt. I think that’s been part of my problem – I have a really good memory and every single memory I have over the past ten years has STBEX in it in some way. So even when I forget in the  moment about things, he’s back in a flash of memory of some time, some place, some TV show, some recipe, and on and on. I want to be in a place where my memories don’t hurt so badly.

I hope I can find something new to fill my heart and mind. Be it work, or a hobby or a charity, I just need something else in my life. I am certain that it will not be another man. I don’t think I want it to be. Not yet.

I hope I can buy a house for me and my kid. I’m not sure how realistic that is at my individual income level even though I will have a sizable down payment. But I’m going to try really hard to get financing and settle in a place where she will be able to think of in years to come as her home. I’ve moved her far too many times this year already.

We’ll see how it all works out. I’m just ready for some good things to start happening again.

Posted in Whiny | 7 Comments »

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

Well, thank god that Christmas is over. If I weren’t working like mad today (although I did take a short break to see a movie) I’d have the Christmas decorations down and out of the house. Perhaps I’ll get to that tomorrow. All in all, the holiday wasn’t quite as bad as I feared it would be. I just focused on my kid. I did things mechanically that I didn’t have the heart to do for her sake.

On Christmas Eve night as I was putting the kid to bed, we were talking about Santa and how she needed to get to sleep right away because Santa couldn’t come if she was still awake. She mentioned that she was still hoping for her pink dollhouse and her pink doll. Then she looked at me with her probing eyes and said, “What’s your Christmas wish, Mommy?” I shit you not. I hugged her tight so she wouldn’t see my tears and told her that I would have to think about it. I kissed her and turned out her light. How does this three year old girl know exactly what to say to press my buttons? And yet at least once a week she asks a very intuitive, adult question that any of my grown up girlfriends might ask. It’s actually pretty scary.

Because my Christmas wish is a moot point. I want my husband back. I want my family back together. I want another chance to be happy with HIM. To make him happier. And I can’t have any of it. Sad as it is to say, even after almost two months of this waking nightmare, I still have flashes of hope that one day this will change. I wish I could stop wanting it, stop imagining it, stop dreaming about it at night. What will it take for that to go away? I wish I knew. I wish there were a pill I could take to make that happen.

Christmas Eve was tough. I had to put together her Santa present alone, and wrap the rest of her gifts alone. I was already crying and thought of a slug of vodka but in the past that has only made things worse so I didn’t. Christmas day was fine. STBEX arrived early, got the kid up and she was enthralled. Opening of presents was quick. STBEX bought me an overly generous present. I made pancakes for us all, and then it was over.

The rest of the day I spent alone and it was fine. It didn’t even feel like any special day. I worked. I ate some indulgent food I made just for me and watched a ton of movies.

And so it passed. My first single Christmas.

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Frustration

Monday, December 7th, 2009

Going to therapy has been good. No matter what, I’m glad that I’m handling this issue with someone. I love my therapist and I know that I’m making progress.

But days like today are frustrating. Because I made so much progress. I had so many moments where my past behaviors in my relationship were trotted out and examined and I finally understand why I felt and acted the way I did. And I figured out how to get around them. And I immediately wanted to run out and call STBEX to share all of this with him and discuss it and apologize for things. But I can’t. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s like screaming into the wind. No one can hear.

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Fine

Monday, November 30th, 2009

I was just thinking about this (gasp! Me? Thinking about the shit heap my life has become? No WAY!) and I think what leads to my panic is that all I can see right now is life being as it is at this moment. All my days bleed into one another. In many ways, my life day to day is not all that different than it was before. My husband travels a lot so week days apart with a phone call at night is about what I’m used to. It’s just that I have nothing to look forward to. No call to say his flight has landed and he’ll be home soon. No instant message exchanges between the kitchen and his upstairs office telling him dinner is ready. No weekends doing family stuff, or lying in bed while he feeds the girl and entertains her. No curling up with him in bed at night or settling in on the couch in a quiet house to catch up on TV together. Weekdays, weekends, holidays are all the same. Either I’m with my kid and slightly frustrated or totally overwhelmed, or I’m alone when he has her. And then when I see him, every single time I get the visual realization of him walking away from me all over again.

And it’s that staring out into a future of that scares me. So I’m not crying as much. That’s a good thing I suppose. But this sea of “fine” that I’m in is actually not fine. I hate fine.

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Still Here

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

I’ve been quiet for a while. I was out of town, visiting my parents for a few days. The time away was good and bad. I felt like I was on the constant verge of a panic attack, but never crossed the threshold to a real attack. But my daughter got lots of attention from her grandparents and had fun.

The sleeping pills I got were a fail. They make me woozy but not sleepy. Over the counter sleep stuff seems to work ok I just wake up early. I guess it’s better than nothing. I’m not sure I want to cross into the territory of sleep drugs with huge side effects.

I tried to get my daughter into preschool five days a week but they don’t have room for her on Tuesdays and Thursdays right now. They put me on a waiting list but I figure by the time they have room, I’ll be over my need. We’ll see how it works.

I’m crying less than before, but still feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I hope this goes away soon. I need to somehow convince my brain that I am not in any danger, so the fight or flight instinct can calm the fuck down already. I guess time is the only thing that is going to make that happen.

That’s about the state of things. Nothing really interesting or noteworthy. But I’m here, and I’m getting by for now.

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