Frack
I don’t have a good title for this post. This isn’t even going to be a good post. I just am full of some feeling. I can’t name it. I want to talk, but I don’t know what to say. I’m on the verge of tears, but the tears won’t come.
I’m just sad. Actually that’s the understatement of the year.
In four days I’m going to be divorced. How did this happen? I don’t want this. I just want to scream “WAIT! This can’t happen!” But it can. It is. It doesn’t matter what I want. The wheels are in motion. I am powerless to stop it.
Trust has been broken. Vows have been broken. And as much as I’ve been kidding myself that there is any hope for reconciliation, I just don’t see how it can happen. There is no going back once you’ve crossed a certain line. This is slowly dawning on me.
I guess what I feel tonight is just hopelessness. Regret. And probably another thousand things I can’t seem to name at the moment.
But I’m here. I’ll wake up tomorrow and just keep breathing. I don’t know a single thing about what I want my life to be in the future. I can’t think that far ahead. I just have to make it to Wednesday. Right now I just feel like I’m watching a horrible car accident about to happen and I can’t do a thing to stop it. Maybe after Wednesday, after it has already happened, I can think about the future and make some plans. Maybe.
March 7th, 2010 at 7:10 am
I’m so sorry. This sucks.
March 7th, 2010 at 10:54 am
I’m so sorry – I hate seeing you go through this. I’m thinking of you all the time. Wish I could do more.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
I’m so sorry. I wish I could magically make it all better.
March 7th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Wish I had something profound to say – thinking of you.
March 8th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
I know what you mean. I know this divorce is best, but there’s that part of me that doesn’t want it to be over. I keep thinking that he’ll change, and that we can repair our family.
I don’t think that I’m necessarily sad about missing him. It’s being sad over a dream gone bad. I thought I was going to grow old with him, and that we would have the picture perfect life.
My dream didn’t come true. But, dreams can change, right?
I’ll be thinking of you on Wednesday. Hopefully the final process will bring some closure.
(((hugs)))
March 9th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Many hugs to you, my dear friend. I hate this for you. Sigh.