Aaaaaah…..

I got home today from one of the best weekends I’ve had in Dallas in a long time. I needed a break from Betsy and I needed some just me time and it was great.

I stopped on my way into town to see Erica and her new gorgeous baby boy. Since I wasn’t able to bring them a casserole, I bought them lunch. And I got to hold and snuggle that sweet boy. He even spit up on me, which I think is newborn for “you’re my favorite auntie.” I also got to see Maddie nursing her dinosaurs which was quite impressive.

Then I headed north to Dallas. I took my car in for an oil change, and got it washed then hung out at my parents’ house and read for a while. We had a fun dinner out, and then my dad and I sat on the back patio and talked and enjoyed a gorgeous sunset and a nice evening.

Saturday I got my hair colored finally, which is always a treat because my hairdresser is a dear friend and one of my very favorite people ever in the world. Then I met my friend K for lunch, which was awesome because I hadn’t seen her in ages. After a bit more grooming, I headed back to my parents’ house and read my book and laid around until it was time to get ready to go out.

Saturday night I went out with  my friend A for dinner and drinks. It was so much fun. We ate the best pizza ever, drank sangria and worked ourselves up into a frenzy about our trip to Italy and Croatia in the fall. I stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime but it was so worth it. I sneaked into my parents’ house at 1:15 in the morning. If I had done such a thing in high school, I would have felt like I was back in high school.

It was just good from start to finish. I’m tired now, but I feel recharged. I missed Betsy so it was good to see her again today, even if she did have a few hell beast moments. She may be a hell beast, but she’s my hell beast.

Meh

I’ve been quiet. I don’t know why. It seems like everything I am feeling lately is just same song, different verse. I’m sad. I miss the EX. I still love him. I wish I didn’t. Blah blah blah. I’m not miserable or anything. I’m not even lonely. I just miss HIM. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort to write it all out here over and over.

Betsy has been a handful lately. I’ve had her all on my own for a week straight, and while I know that for some people that doesn’t seem like an astounding feat, but I really am used to some help and some time to myself. Add to that the fact that she’s been shittier than she normally is for various and unknown reasons, and I’m about to pull my hair out. She’ll be going to the EX tonight though and he’ll have her all weekend. It won’t be much of a relaxing break for me because I’m going to Dallas for the weekend to see friends and get my hair colored.

Online dating is…. weird. I think I have a date next weekend. Just typing that makes my heart rate speed up. I don’t really know what the point of the date is, and I sort of feel badly about doing it, because I know there is no point. I’m not date-able right now. I’m not emotionally available to anyone else right now. I may have rushed into this thing too hastily. But we’ll see.

One of the best things I can say lately is that someone (I can’t remember who) suggested putting soy sauce on popcorn, and whoever that person is, I want to kiss you with tongue. That snack has changed my life. I get the healthiest microwave popcorn I can which is one WW point, and then top it with soy sauce. Huge snack, I feel totally satisfied, and it was ONE POINT. I love it. Most of the time I’m not a sweets craver, but I seem to always want something soy based so this is perfect.

Weekend Adventures

Sigh. We’re home from vising Shelly and Parker and Mr. Overlook. It was a good time. No, it was a great time. It started out on the wrong foot when I could not sleep the night before our flight.

Stupid me, I booked a 6 a.m. flight on Friday. In my defense, with the changing of planes, it was the only flight that would get us to our destination at a reasonable hour. God, how I miss living in an airline hub city. Anyway…. Soooo yeah. Six a.m. flight meant waking up at 3:15 to get ready, pack the last minute things, wake up Betsy and get out the door by 4 a.m.. I was all done and in bed by 10 p.m. And then I never fell asleep. I tried reading, I tried watching TV, I tried breathing exercises. I considered at one point taking something but I knew that doing so that late would render me a drooling idiot the next morning. Finally at about 1:45 I gave up and just got up. I was actually  mostly ok until the first flight landed in Dallas, when I finally crashed. UGH. In my life, I have had many many nights of very little sleep, but I can only recall one or two of absolutely NO sleep, and those were all in college. My 21-year-old body handled that far better than my almost 36-year-old body did.

Shelly picked us up, greeting us with cold drinks and snacks in the car. She’s so awesome, I don’t even know why she’s friends with me.

There was lots of gabbing, lots of playing, drinking of Summer Shandy, eating of good (but not good for us) food, and just fun. The girls enjoyed each other and also didn’t. I think maybe it confirmed for them both that they don’t really want a sibling. But they were sweet together.

We also figured out that today is our 180 day out from our Disney trip day. That meant that we could book our dining reservations! So we got up early, cracked some soda, and sat down on dueling laptops to book our meals for our Walt Disney World trip in December. And we got a reservation at every place we wanted at the time we wanted, with the exception of Cinderella’s Castle. For whatever reason that one place was not available to book until tomorrow, which I don’t understand because that would be 179 days out but whatever. We have a princess breakfast in EPCOT so if we don’t get to do a meal at the castle, the girls won’t really know the difference. They just want to meet the princesses. We’re going to try tomorrow but honestly if we can’t get those highly coveted reservations, we won’t really be disappointed. Oh, and we scored a ressie at Le Cellier, the steak house in Canada at EPCOT that Shelly and Mr. Overlook love but haven’t been able to get into the past several trips. We are going to eat gooooooood when we are there. I can’t wait!

Today’s trip home was uneventful. Betsy was kind of a shit. Well, let’s be honest. She acted like a shit the whole weekend. I don’t know who that Satan child was but wow, she was tough to deal with. I know that she was tired and excited, and she barely ate while she was there, but wow. The willful disobedience was astounding. She was mostly ok on the two flights today but didn’t nap at all. So thankfully she’s crashed now. And I’m going to follow suit soon. I’m going to take a melatonin, hop in a bath and read and hopefully pass out very soon.

What a weekend. I wish they could all we this much fun. Oh wait, last one was, this one was, and next one will be too. I’m on a hot streak!

Driven (and Flown) to Distraction

I’ve noticed that my calendar is full of trips coming up. Cincinnati this weekend, Houston at the end of the month, New York for BlogHer in August, then the Venice/Croatia trip in September… That doesn’t even factor in several Dallas trips thrown in for haircuts, family birthdays, and a visit with my friend C.

I’m super excited about all the trips. Some Betsy will be with me on, and some she won’t. I realized that these trips are definitely helping me to stay positive about my life. I have so many wonderful friends and family members and the thought of making plans to see them all at various times gives me so much to look forward to.

And I’ll be honest, sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day is thinking of the things coming up that I’m excited about. Knowing that I’ll have new adventures keeps me from wallowing in my memories of the past. It helps me to know without a doubt that my life is not over. There are new and good things on the horizon.

It’s not just going places that has saved my sanity. I have been so lucky to have friends come to visit me, and I also get very excited about making plans to see the friends that I have in town. It may not seem like it all the time, but those “everyday” visits to eat take-out Indian food and watch bad TV or sitting in the grass drinking iced tea are the moments that life is really made of.

My life right now is not at all like I ever thought it would be, and I still don’t know what I want to do with myself. But I’m becoming ok with this. I know that whatever is in store, I’ll have love and support.

Squeeeee!

I got an amazing offer today! My friend and her family invited me to go with them on a trip to Venice and then on to Croatia. Of course I’ve always wanted to go to Venice so that’s a no brainer. The canals! The art! The architecture! But I had honestly never thought of Croatia as someplace I wanted to go. Well, I never thought of it at all, honestly.

But I’ve been doing some research and it looks so amazing and interesting! I can’t wait. I’ve not done a lot of international traveling. I’ve only been to London and Paris, and both of those trips were with the EX. I always hoped to do more traveling but I thought that it would be a while before I could do any again. Betsy is far too young for a long plane ride and to be interested in the things we might see in other countries. So doing this trip is spontaneous, and maybe not a great idea financially but fuck it. I’m going.

I fly out of Austin, to Chicago, then to Madrid, then to Venice. I’m a bit nervous about navigating the Madrid airport to get to another airline to get to Italy, but I can do it. People do it everyday right?  Then after that I’ll be with other people, people who’ve done this all before so I’ll get to just follow along and take in the sights.

The EX is obviously going to take care of Betsy while I’m away, and I’m happy that he’s supportive of me going and willing to help out. I just wonder how I will deal with being gone from her for essentially nine days. And not just away but FAR away. So far away that if I needed to get back I can’t do it quickly. I know that’s a terribly worrisome way to think, but I’m her mom. How can I not consider worst case scenarios?

But I will take the leap. I will play the odds and try to embrace this new freedom for the good things it offers. If I were married still, my friend would never have thought to ask me if I could go. I am going to try to not be ruled by fear. I am going to enjoy myself and being me.

My Night Owl

First, let me admit I’m a terrible mom and I lock Betsy in her room at night. This started because she would get up in the middle of the night and climb into bed with me, and then we’d both be awake all night. Once the EX turned her door handle around and made it so that she could not get out of her room, we both began sleeping better at night.

Well, last night I must have forgotten to lock it when I checked on her before I went to bed. I woke up to her climbing into my bed in the middle of the night. That was fine, after a bit of a scare about who was getting into my bed. She was restless but I assumed that she settled down to sleep because I fell back to sleep.

The alarm went off this morning, and Betsy was not in bed with me. I went to her room, thinking she had gone back to her room, but she was not in there. I found her instead downstairs, asleep on her kid sized arm chair and the living room looked like a bomb went off. She had pulled all the books off the bookshelf, taken all her crayons out and colored on some paper, but also on the carpet. She had pulled out all the stuff from her bag that she takes to the EX’s house so now clean clothes and dirty clothes are all jumbled up together. She helped herself to a bag of goldfish crackers from the pantry….

The funny thing is that I have been debating whether or not to keep locking her into her room at night. I figure if she ever decides to potty train, she’ll need to be able to get up in the middle of the night. I also had my dad put on a bar on the front door so she can’t leave the house if she does get up in the middle of the night. I was wholly unprepared for what she did last night. I’m pissed at her and at myself for forgetting. And now I’m going to spend my day fighting exhaustion and figuring out how to get the crayon marks off the carpet.

Welcome Baby Sam!

My dear friend Erica had her beautiful baby boy last week, after one of the most angst-ridden pregnancies I’ve ever heard of. Her little one was intent on making her crazy even before he was born. But he is here and is healthy and at home.

Please go and give Erica and her family some love.

Randomocity

Insomnia is back. I hate this. It’s actually worse this time because even the sleeping pills aren’t working. I am back to taking two OTC pills every night, and STILL my brain won’t shut off for a good long while when I turn out the light. All this does is make me really tired in the morning. I struggle through the morning and lunch and then end up napping during Betsy’s nap time. When I nap, I sleep really hard, not even changing positions, and it’s really hard for me to wake up. You might be thinking that the naps are the reason I can’t sleep at night, but I can’t sleep whether or not I nap during the day. I might have to make a trip back to the doctor for a stronger sleep medicine. Fun times.

Speaking of Betsy…. she’s still not potty trained thankyouverymuch. She has absolutely no interest. She’s not even doing it for the EX. I stopped using pull ups because she uses them like diapers, and they aren’t absorbent enough. So we are back in diapers. I’m really trying not to let this frustrate me, but damn! She’s three and a half years old. I know she can do this, but she just chooses not to. I realize I have no control over it, but just wish I could find the magic thing to motivate her.

Online dating is sort of going. I’ve been making small talk with one guy, using the dating site’s email so we have revealed no personally identifiable information. No, he’s not the professional magician. But my heart just isn’t in this. In fact, I know I have an email from him waiting for me, and I just can’t motivate myself to go check it. Meh. I don’t think this is going to work until I stop loving the EX, so maybe in ten or twenty years?

I continue my crusade for a pore minimizer that actually works. I got a shipment from Sephora today and I can’t wait to try out the new stuff. I’ll let you know if I have any winners.

Betsy is done with school for the summer next week. I need to get end of the year gifts for her teachers and I’m sort of drawing a blank. Since I only have one kid, and she only has two teachers, I’m not particularly worried about not breaking the bank on this. I’m just uninspired. For Christmas I gave them both movie gift cards, which they seemed to love, but I don’t want to do a repeat gift. I plan to go out tomorrow while Betsy is in school to find the gifts, but I hate going out with no plan as to what I’m getting.

I’ve lost seven pounds on Weight Watchers since I started. That’s not bad considering I have one really bad eating day every week, and I haven’t worked out in a while either. I’m really happy I finally chose Weight Watchers. Every time I think I’m going to splurge on some food, I check the points and am often amazed at what I can eat and stay on track. It’s no secret I do most of my eating at night, and last night I was really snacky. I calculated out the points, and I was able to eat two pieces of toast with butter and Simply Fruit jam, for a total of 3 points, and I actually had 3 points left over for the day.

My air conditioning died on Sunday night. I have never been so glad to be a renter. I called. Someone came and fixed it, and I didn’t have to get out my checkbook. I’m actually not sure why I’m considering saddling myself with another house anytime soon.

After going through several books that were just “meh” I finally found one that I’m really liking. It’s Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. I’m speeding through it and I don’t want it to be over. Luckily, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest is coming out in a week and I have pre-ordered it. I can’t wait!

Aaaaaaaand I’m spent. All the random crap I’ve had floating around in my head is now out there to entertain you. You’re welcome.

Ups and Downs

I know it’s to be expected, but today I am really sad and missing the EX. I’ve had dreams about him every night for the past two weeks and I guess it’s finally catching up with me.

I miss him, I miss our family. I wish he missed me.

A Birthday Tribute

I’m going to get sappy here, so bear with me.

Back when I was trying to get pregnant, I was so lucky to have many people in the blogosphere lending support from far and wide. On the day I announced I was pregnant, dear Beth posted on her much more highly trafficked blog that she was happy for me and inviting her readers to send me their congratulations. I got more comments that day than I ever had or have had since. Some of those people just said hi and moved on, but a few stuck around.

That’s how I met Shelly. She was pregnant too, and due around the same time. She commented on other posts. We emailed back and forth. She came up with the idea of being pregnancy buddies, which I was super excited to have. Someone going through all the same things I was. We didn’t KNOW each other so we were fine asking each other the embarrassing questions like “how do you know if this is a hemorrhoid?” and “are you having that not-so-fresh feeling all the time lately?” Of course, now I just shared those things with all of you. Oh well, that was like four years ago now.

We just knew that we clicked. We started corresponding off the blog, and sending small gifts (and not so small gifts like a high chair she sent me) to one another. Her daughter Parker was born six weeks before Betsy. I cried when I read the news. I wished I could be there to hug her and hold Parker. Betsy was born, and Shelly was full of support and ideas and help when I thought breastfeeding was hopeless.

The next summer, our family took a trip to Hilton Head Island, and flew in and out of the city where Shelly and her family lived then. They strapped an unhappy Parker into her carseat and drove for an hour each way to meet us at a restaurant near the airport so we could meet in person and have lunch. It was so much fun, and it never felt like meeting someone new, it felt like seeing an old friend. Since then we’ve traveled together a few times, and plan to do so regularly in the future.

Shelly is every bit as sarcastic and snarky as I am. We joke that we must be twins separated at birth, and separated by different mothers and a tiny age difference.  She is one of my very favorite people on this planet and I am so lucky to have her as a friend. She’s loving, caring, thoughtful with just the right dash of bitchiness thrown in for good measure just so you don’t think she’s Glinda the Good Witch.

Shelly, I hope that you have an amazing birthday. I can’t wait to see you in just a few short weeks. We are going to have so much fun and so are the girls. I hope one day they are count each other as twins separated at birth by different mothers and a tiny age difference. Love you!